" I wonder if that recruiter emailed me back." My alarm was still going off this morning, and this was the thought going through my head. Not about the beautiful woman lying next to me, or the 2 beautiful little girls sleeping in the rooms down the hall, but about a recruiter I've never met.
I frantically threw a lunch together for the 4 year old, made a quick cup of coffee, grabbed a pop-tart, and ran out the door. I can't even remember if I kissed my wife or girls. I probably forgot.
Get to work, check email, scan new job postings, email recruiter because I'm impatient, do some more work, check job postings again, set up informational interviews with potential job leads. This was my day.
The end of the day is less frenetic. I'm sitting on my couch, my wife and girls are asleep, there's a glass of red wine on the coffee table, and I'm a little more at ease.
But not really.
We had a guest teacher for the last three weeks at church, and last night he said something that I've been mulling over ever since.
"The only identity that will last is the one we find in Christ."
I've begun to notice a theme in my life as of late. It's one that seems noble enough on the surface, but for me, if I'm not careful, it is quickly showing that it has the danger of taking over my life. Consuming me. Making me into someone I don't want to be.
I am blessed to be at an incredible company. I'm in an entry-level position there, but it's a place with massive growth potential. i've been there for almost a year and a half, and it's time to figure out where I will land next. So I'm frantically working on setting up informational interviews, shadows, whatever I can do to make myself more marketable for a promotion, or transfer to a new team.
I will admit that to a large degree, I feel like this pursuit is quite noble. What dad doesn't want to provide for his children? What man doesn't want to provide for his wife? How can I make their lives better? That's what I'm focusing on.
I'm not down on career. I think it's important to have a path, to have an idea where you are going. I've put together a couple of different career maps, so that I can look out ahead 5-7 years depending on which path I take, and conceivably see where I may land. That is noble. That is good. That is smart.
However, the thing that has been eating at me for the last twenty four hours is that I am beginning to define myself by my career. I'm beginning to think to myself thoughts that I've never had before.
"Once I can become _____, then I'll have made it." "If I could just get promoted to _____, then I'll be happy." "I can't be happy as long as I'm doing _____"
The problem is at the end of the day. anything that I use to define myself, other than Jesus, will ultimately let me down. And I know that. And I still obsess over the next thing. The next step.
Our teacher at church this weekend challenged us. He asked, in a very loving, almost fatherly tone,
"Is Jesus enough?"
Is Jesus enough for you? If the wheels fall off, you lose the job, you lose the house, the spouse, the boat, the 401k, whatever, is Jesus enough?
I'm embarrassed to admit that if I had to answer that question honestly right now, the answer would be no.
But I want him to be. Desperately. So desperately. I want to live life in tune with him, sustained by him, fed by him, encouraged, disciplined, molded, shaped, and directed by him. I want to be able to say with confidence that yes, He is enough.
For my family's sake, for my career's sake, for my sanity's sake,I want Him to be enough.
The beautiful part of this all is that he is never far. He is never too far to go back to. He is never unable to become our enough. We don't reach a point of being too far gone. He can be our enough. He can be my enough, and he can be your enough.
Now if only I would let him.